I miss you alot

Hi! Yes, i know. No matter how many text i have sent you. I know you just won't reply me. Even if you already read it. Or worse still you won't even bother to read it and just ignore it. I know that. I know that and i can feel that hatred you had for me. I know how mad you are with me. I know how you feel. Cause i once been in your place. But you know, I would not want anything else from you. I just want you. I don't want your money and stuff. With full of sincere i just want you back that all. I know all this is just a dream. It won't turn back into reality anymore. It won't i guess. No matter how much I pray for Allah to open up your heart. You just won't do it though. I just want to say this. I miss you sayang. I miss everything about you.  miss us. It hard for me lived like this. It hard for me to go through all this. I have been pretending that I am okay. I have been pretending to them that everything is alright that i'm strong enough to face all this. I am able to joke around, smile and laugh like nobody business. Do all of that, like i don't face any problems or doesn't have anything in my mind. Yeah maybe you are right. That i'm strong enough to face all this shits. That i can act really well and pretend that nothing has happened. Yes you are definitely right. But do you have any idea. How i always cried at night. Reflect upon what is happening in my life. 

Reflect on how i am tired of everything. On how i am physically and mentally tired of everything. I am tired of trying to be perfect. Im tired of trying to please everyone but everyone does not see that. Basically I am just tired of being tired. At times i just think that i am just a burden for everyone. Everyday, i pray for forgiveness. I also pray hoping that you will forgive me. I pray that Allah gave me the strength to go trough all this. Gave me the courage to overcome all this. Everyday i woke up, i just hope it will be a good day for me. It will just turn out to be better. But no that does not happen. Yeah i know. Things doesn't always turn out to be your way. But why? It too much. He really test me too much. For an 18 year old like me! Even if i try to remind myself that "Allah bagi dugaan sedemikian sebab allah yakin dan percaya bahawa hambanya dapat menghadapinya dengan kuat dan tabah" But it really hard. There just too much for me to faced. Too much of responsibility for me to hold on to. At times I wonder where is my happiness? When will i feel that sense of happiness? Will i even get to taste that happiness? Why don't i deserve the same happiness just like any other teenagers? You know i have always wanted to meet you. But i know you wouldn't want to meet me. cause you don't want to see my face. And you think there nothing for us to talk about. I love you with all my heart no matter what has happened. I really miss you alot ... sayang really alot.

"Ya allah maafkan aku jika aku mengeluh kepada dugaan yang diberi untuk mennguji diriku ini ya allah. Berilah hambamu ini semangat, ketabahan dan kesabaran untuk menjalani semua dugaan ini ya allah. Jadikan aku manusia yang sempurna dengan akhlakmu ya allah. Tunjukkan aku jalanmu yang lurus itu ya allah. Supaya aku tak sesat ya allah. Tenangkan la hatiku ini ya allah supaya aku kuat ya allah. Bukakan la pintu hati muhd taufiq ya allah. Dan semoga dia maafkan aku ya allah. Kepadamu ku berserah dan berdoa ya allah. Kerana aku yakin kau mendengar doa hambamu ini ya allah. Amin amin ya rabbal alamin."